Bad blogger. Very bad blogger.

Bad blogger.  Very bad blogger.

I guess time got away from me.  In the beginning, I wanted to update at least once a week.  You can see how that panned out!  Hopefully now I can get back on track, for those who are interested. I feel like because I obsessively post on Facebook a zillion times a day (and don't worry, I've been told how annoying it is.  Don't care!) that people who ARE interested know the skinny. I only have one follower, so it's not like this blog is a hot ticket.

My only baby will be 6 months old next week, and I am so angry with myself.  I am so angry that I was too anxious and stressed out to enjoy it, and now this part of his life is over.  I will never be able to forgive myself for not cuddling him more, or getting down on the ground with him while he had tummy time more, or wishing he would sleep more when I should have been taking advantage of the moments he was awake.  I know the first few weeks and months are all about "survival", but damn, why didn't I keep it together?  I look all around at the pictures of when he was younger, and I want to die inside because it seems like a distant memory, and the older the gets, the more distant it will be.

He has turned into such a giant.  His 3 and 4 month photos are below, and it was like he got fatter overnight!  His thighs are the epitome of thunder.  At his last check at 4 months, he was 14.14 lbs and 23 inches.  

He seems to be folically challenged as well, only being able to grow a mohawk, which I hate.  I can't stand seeing kids with mohawks.  And now, I have that kid.  Yuck.  Here is hoping he has a nice full head of hair in the future!

We also had our first family photo sesh with the lovely Sarah Gee on Friday.  There are virtually NO photos of him and I, and not one photo of the 3 of us, except this:

My Big Fat Asian-Irish Baby

My son is turning into Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.  Double chin.  Giant hammies. Dimples on his elbows.

My tiny nugget newborn is now Chuy from Chelsea Lately.

Oh, I forgot to add his monthly pic.  It is a few weeks old, and he is chubbier now.

For his 2 month appointment, he was 23 inches long, and weighed 11 lbs 3 oz.  It was also shot day, and "fake baby" was not happy.  His head turned into a cherry tomato, and his scream was delayed by about 3 seconds.  He was over it in a few minutes, but was extremely tired that day and the next.

A few days later, we had the MRI to check out the bump.  They decided to give it a try without the sedation, and I was very relieved that he cooperated.  The nurses wrapped him up like a little egg roll, and taped him down right nice, and boy did he put up a fight!  Once he got into the tube, he cried his little heart out for a few minutes, and then fell fast asleep.  They had to bring the tray out so that they could fill his IV with the contrast, and that woke him up.  They tried a few frames, but he was crying too hard and moving about, so they had to redo them. For the last frames, the tech actually got into the tube with him and held a binky in his mouth.  All in all, the procedure took a little over an hour, and when he was done, he was all smiley.  He was even smiling at the mean murse (male nurse) who gave him his IV (not really, he was a very nice murse, but he pricked my baby, so I have to say he is mean!).  We should have the results next week, and I keep praying that it is just superficial, and nothing alarming.

On the flippity flip, did anyone used to watch "All That" or "Kenan and Kel" on Nickelodeon?  The character Kel used to love orange soda, and sang a song about it. 

"Who Loves Orange Soda? Kel loves orange soda. Is it true? Mmhmm. I do, I do, I do, I do, I do-oo!"

So now my brother always asks if Kel loves orange soda.  So cute <3

A Pregnant Pause

After about 30 weeks, I absolutely hated being pregnant with a fiery passion.  I was in misery every minute.  When I wasn't peeing, I was eating.  When I wasn't eating, I was sleeping.  Or crying, or complaining, or hiccuping.  Or I was being assaulted from the inside with the biggest baby foot I ever did see.

But now, I am really missing being pregnant.

Even in the beginning, I wasn't exactly crazy about the process of being pregnant.  I never got sick, even though I had mild nausea.  I was very healthy for the entire pregnancy; no gestational diabetes, no Braxton Hicks, no high blood pressure, and I gained very little weight (only 13 lbs total).  I really had nothing to complain about, but still managed to complain, even though I had it a lot better than many women. I never really looked pregnant until around 35 weeks, I just looked like my regular big self.  I never really had a "baby bump"

I feel like now that I am no longer pregnant, there isn't anything "special" about me anymore.  I am just like every other woman on the planet.  No one finds me interesting anymore.

And I know how demented this all sounds.

Being pregnant was just a means to an end for me, even though when I got pregnant, I SWORE I wouldn't complain.  I told myself that I should consider myself lucky to be pregnant, and complaining would basically be spitting in the face of the gods.

If I am lucky enough to get pregnant again, I am going to try my hardest to really enjoy it.  I am not one to LOVE being pregnant, but I will truly try to tolerate it and really live in the moment.  No matter how many times I pee my pants.

In the words of Ru Paul, "You better work"!!!!

I am nearing the end of my first week back to work, and I have to say, I am very glad to be back!  I am very lucky to have a job that I like and work with people that I love.  I only started in my current role 4 weeks before I was due to give birth, and knowing that, they still took a chance on me, and I am so glad they did.  Since Kellan is home with his Gangy, it made going back so much easier.  I know he is loved and cared for as much as I would be doing if I were home with him.  Towards the end of the day, I find myself rushing to get home and see him and love on him.  My mom has been helping us at night, and I have been able to get some sleep thanks to that.  We are quite lucky to have her her with us, and I know Kellan is loving every minute with her.

On the flip side, I forgot how much I hate traffic.  That is the only downside to going back.  And if that's the worst thing about going back, I think I will be alright.

We had a big milestone since my last entry: the first smile.  And it was a big one!  Tony was holding him and making silly faces and noises, and Kel was smiling so big and so bright, it was so wonderful.  I am on pins and needles waiting for the first laugh, I know it is going to rock my world.

 

Kellan also seems to have hit a growth spurt.  He is now eating 4.5-5 ounce bottles, sometimes every 2 hours.  The doctor said he is sill underweight, so as long as he is keeping it down, and seems hungry, we can keep feeding him.  I have never seen a baby eat like this, it is insane.  His skinny little legs have turned into hammies.  He has a double chin.  And he is finally out of newborn diapers and clothes. 

On the downside, we are having problems with what we call in our house "the bump".  Kellan had a nice size bump on his head over his soft spot when he was born. I didn't discover it until the day we left the hospital because he had a hat on most of the time. I asked the nurses about it, and they said it was from the internal fetal monitor and that it would likely disappear in a few weeks. Cut to a few weeks later and we are at the pedi, and they are concerned that the bump is not even close to disappearing. They ordered an u/s and x-ray. We got both of them last week at Children's, and received the results that said both were inconclusive. The pedi said she is recommending us to Neurosurgery, where they will assess and likely recommend an MRI. She said that the bump is not affecting his skull bones fusing together (which was the initial concern), but it could be reaching his brain.  Also, my OB said that there is no way in hell that was caused by a fetal monitor. So now that is on my mind.

I'm not even going to pretend that it is something I am not worried about.  I know it could be totally superficial and have no effect on his brain, but I don't know that for 100% sure.  And until I know that, I will be bugging out.

With all of that said, my baby boy is 7 weeks old today, and I can't believe what a big boy he is becoming.  It makes me sad that he is growing up, but I am so excited for my future with him.

The baby formerly known as Kellan

Our son seems to have accumulated quite a few nicknames in his short 5 weeks of life.  Some of them I gave him, or his Papa or Gangy, or our friends, and we use all of them throughout the day.  I probably don't use his actual name as much as I should, he might not know what his real name is when the time comes!

Some of Kellan's alias' are:

K-dub
Achilles
Kutcher (or Kutch)
Magoo
Xiao baba (tiny baby in Chinese)
Kel (or Kel Kel)
Little nugget

and my favorite... fake baby.  We watch the movie "The Other Guys" (with Mark Wahlberg and Will Ferrell) almost every time it is on the movie channels.   Wahlberg's character tells Ferrell's character "I don't like you.  I think you're a fake cop", and Tony and I think that is SO FUNNY!     So Tony asked Kellan once if he was a fake baby, and it stuck.

  

Kellan had his one month check up last week, and my boy has grown 4 inches since he was born!  He weighs 8 lbs 9 ounces, almost 2 lbs more.  I guess I don't even notice these things since I am with him everyday.  I am so happy he is getting so big, but I am sad he is becoming a big boy.

One month!

Now I understand why people say "where does the time go?!".......

Our wonderful son is now 1 month old!  And what a month it has been for the Wang family.

Being a first time parent is tough stuff.  When we brought Kellan home from the hospital, I was scared to death.  Would he sleep?  Would he eat?  Would he know that I am his mama?  Would I be any good at being his mama?  Would I ever get a good night sleep ever again?  My mom stayed with us for many days, thankfully, and stayed up many nights with Kellan so that I could get rest and heal from my surgery.  When I was finally able to physically care for him, he would be up all night crying, and nothing I did would comfort him.  He would cry, I would cry, and wonder if he even liked me, or knew that I was his mama.  Talk about self-doubt.

We are finally getting to know each other, and even though we have issues with sleeping still, I know that when he stares into my eyes, he knows I am his mama.  We take walks around the house, listen to music (he loves Coldplay!), read lots of books, watch "Friends" reruns.  He is becoming so animated in his facial expressions, and it seems like he is always on the verge of a smile!  His neck is getting so strong, and he loves tummy time.  He likes to lay in the middle of the Boppy, or in his bouncy chair, and just look around at the scenery in our living room. 

His 1 month checkup is in a few days, and I can't wait to see how much he has grown.  He is finally filling out his newborn clothes!  I am actually a little sad that he is getting big.  I am trying to enjoy this time, because it is going quicker than I am ready for.

The gang's all here!

We were so lucky to have so many visitors at the hospital and the weeks following Kellan's birth!  Also, my mother, her "grandma" name is Gangy, has stayed with us for many days!



Kellan and his gangy:



Everyone has asked how Pups have been, and they have been SO wonderful! Hutch loves the baby, and is so protective of him.  He is always sitting near us when we feed him, or sitting above his pack-n-play when he is napping.  Sophie is less interested, she is too much of a diva to worry about him!  Either way, they are gentle and loving with him, and we are so fortunate for that!

Introducing....

Kellan Ashton Wang!  Here is his first picture...

Our wonderful little miracle was born December 15, 2011 at 11:55 PM via c-section, and we could not be more in love!

A rundown of my birth story:
December 14th I called off work because I had a wretched cold, and spent the entire day sleeping it off and feeling generally awful.  I went to bed early that evening and woke up around 2AM, thinking I was having BH contractions.  I spent from 2-7AM timing them, and wondering if I should wake Tony.  I started to get up and get ready for work, and realized that the contractions were the real thing.  I call my boss to let him know I would not be in and would be heading to the hospital to get checked out, went to the restroom, and yelled for Tony.  As I was walking out of the restroom, I felt my water break.  I checked myself, and noticed my water was tainted with meconium and got very scared.  I called the doctor, they told me to come in, then called my mom to tell her.  We rushed to get the dogs and ourselves ready, and headed to Dublin Methodist.

We arrived at triage at 930, they gave me an exam and said they weren't sure if my water had broken.  They suggested I drink lots of water, and walk around the perimeter of the L&D unit for an hour.  I was having semi-painful contractions at that time, and when I was done, they checked me again, said my water was partially broken, and admitted me.  This was around 2PM finally.

I settled into my room, tried to rest through some mild contractions, and basically just hung out.  My mom arrived around 4, and I asked for the epidural around then.  The epidural was amazing, and did not hurt one bit.  Tony went home briefly to take care of the dogs, and my mom stayed with me.  Between 5 and 11PM, they had me on my back, on my side, on my hands and knees, and I was progressing as expected, with no medical help.  The only problem was that baby's heartrate was dropping after contractions, and nurses felt it was unsafe to deliver naturally.  They had warned me around 7PM that if his heartrate did not improve, a c-section would be imminent, and I was doing everything I could to avoid that.  They said that since there was a chance he had inhaled the meconium, they wanted to get him out by midnight.

At 1115PM, they decided that we needed to do a c-section, and at that time I was 100% effaced at 8cm dilated.  I was so disappointed that I had come so far on my own, and I felt like a failure.  I was so devastated as they wheeled me into the OR and felt so alone as Tony was left behind while they prepped me.  I was crying badly and was very sick, and I vomited twice on the poor nurse.  I was very out of it, and even though I remember everything vividly, I felt very "high" and wobbly in my brain.

Tony came in, sat by my head, and I felt them moving around over me.  They told me I would feel some pressure, and then I heard him cry!  They held my baby up, and he was crying and looked so small.  I asked them "why is he so small?" and they said "because he is a newborn baby!".  They took him away to clean him and check to make sure his lungs were clear and that he did not inhale the meconium.  Tony followed them and took many pictures, and after 15 minutes, I got to finally see my son.

They took me into recovery, and I was just so out of it that I could barely hold him, and Tony had to give him his first bottle. I felt so awful that I was not even able to hold him or kiss him because I was so weak.  The nurses were so wonderful and showed Tony and I exactly how to feed him properly and burp him.

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I am very excited to start this blogging journey to document our lives with our new son.  I named this blog "Food to my soul" from the song "A Song for Mama" by Boyz II Men. 

Mama
Mama you know I love you
Mama
Mama you're the queen of my heart
Your love is like
Tears from the stars
Mama I just want you to know
Lovin' you is like food to my soul

It is such a lovely song, and is a good description of how much love I have for my son.

Lovin' you is like food to my soul

He is so wonderful, and I finally feel like I am alive for the first time in my life.